Each morning before school I take my 17 year old to breakfast, to a funky little café opposite her school, called the Flying Monkey.
Over toasties and tea, if I’m lucky, she forgets I’m her mother and I get to find out what is really going on in her life as opposed to the sanitised “for parent viewing” that I otherwise might get.
On Friday she asked me if I would tell her if I didn’t like her boyfriend.
I lied and said, ‘Yes of course.’
But of course, by the time he’s actually a boyfriend it’s actually too late for me to say anything – and would she listen then anyway?
So after lying I told her some truths, to balance things out and make me feel like a good mum.
I said, ‘I don’t mind who you date,
It doesn’t matter what his personality is like
As long as he doesn’t –
Wear his jeans around his bum with his undies showing
Want to join any organisation that legalises killing people
Doesn’t want to be a rapper and you to be his Ho
Doesn’t speak in rapper speak (especially if he’s a white boy)
Doesn’t try to cut you off from your family
Doesn’t try to cut you off from your friends
Doesn’t get jealous or insecure when you do something better than him
Doesn’t hit you, swear at you, or make you feel like shit
Doesn’t have any weird eating habits
Doesn’t wear T Shirts with slogans on them (I’ll make an exception for animal or environmental rights)
Doesn’t want to just go on the dole and see what comes along
Doesn’t slag in public
Doesn’t talk about all the other females (real or not) that he’s attracted to
Doesn’t call me ‘Darl’ or ‘Love’
You find someone Honey, who doesn’t do any of those things – and of course I will like him!